movieguy

Here is a links page to many online writers site Gay Authors

TalonRider is on vacation this week and he put me in charge of the board if any new member sign up and have any problem let me know and i will see what i can do

Tallinn - A 31-year-old man who had just woken up from a drunken stupor after falling asleep overnight in a zoo in Estonia tried to offer a polar bear a biscuit - and had his hand bitten off. His screams drew security personnel, who promptly called an ambulance which took the man to hospital in the capital, Tallinn, the Baltic News Service reported. The unidentified man had passed out after consuming large amounts of alcohol with friends. He woke up in the early hours of Thursday, found the biscuit in his pocket offered it to the bear. Tallinn Zoo manager Mati Kaal, who has worked more than 30 years at the zoo, told BNS that it was the 11th time he had heard of such accidents, although "this is the first hand. In other cases it's been the whole arm". - Sapa-dpa iol.co.za

Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. (Wireless Flash) -- Kids shouldn't play with bulldozers. That's the lesson learned in St. Petersburg, Florida, where four teens broke into a construction site, cranked up a bulldozer and smashed it into a portable school building causing extreme damage. NEW YORK -- Kiss bassist Gene Simmons is going to a new stage in his life -- as a motivational speaker. A new DVD, "Speaking In Tongues," shows Simmons wagging his tongue on a lecture tour of Australia and is being marketed an alternative to Dr. Phil McGraw and Tony Robbins. SAN DIEGO -- Cups are licking cones in the ice cream world according to a new survey by Dairy Queen. The study shows that out of adult ice cream eaters who down the sweet stuff at least once a month, 65 percent of them prefer it in a cup rather than a cone. FORCOLI, Italy -- Mama Mia! A new winner of the Italian beauty pageant Miss Cicciona, or Miss Chubby, has been crowned. The winner is a 20-year-old, 416-pound Giovanna Guidoni. Judges also dubbed 453-pound Fabio Teseo as Mr. Cicciona. ncbuy.com

Hope you are asking the city council if they are joking and not me?

Lead Story Walt and Kathy Viggiano of Wichita, Kan., convinced Judge James Burgess to return their four children from foster care in 1999, following their removal because of excessive unsanitariness of the family's mobile home. Unlike in many such cases, Judge Burgess realized, the Viggianos loved their kids, had not abused them and had no alcohol or drug problems. Also, according to police who made the initial investigation, Walt and the kids seemed to have warm conversations, even though entirely in Klingon (from "Star Trek"). [Wichita Eagle, 7-11-99, 12-2-98] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Penguin Sluts In 1996, Cambridge (England) University researcher Fiona Hunter, who studied penguins' mating habits for five years, reported that some females apparently allow male strangers to mate with them in exchange for a few nest-building stones, thus providing what Hunter believes is the first observed animal prostitution. According to Dr. Hunter, all activity was done behind the backs of the females' regular mates, and in a few instances, after the sex act, johns gave the females additional stones as sort of a tip. [bBC News, 2-26-98] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Litigious Society In 1999, a federal judge in Syracuse, N.Y., rejected another in a series of lawsuits by Donald Drusky of East McKeesport, Pa., in his 30-year battle against USX Corp. for ruining his life by firing him in 1968. Furthermore, Drusky sued "God ... the sovereign ruler of the universe" for taking "no corrective action" against any of Drusky's enemies and demanded that God compensate him with professional guitar-playing skills and the resurrection of his mother. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 3-15-99] The March 1998 trial in the lawsuit by Lesli Szabo (seeking the equivalent of almost US$2 million against a Hamilton, Ontario, hospital) started with her testimony that she deserved money because her childbirth had not been pain-free. Physicians said that painless childbirth could not be achieved without the anesthesia's endangering the child, but Szabo said she expected to be comfortable enough to be able to read or knit while the child was being delivered. She admitted to previous run-ins with physicians, explaining, "When I'm in pain, the (words) that come out of my mouth would curl your hair." (After five days of trial, the parties reached an undisclosed settlement.) [Edmonton Journal, 3-17-98, 3-21-98] If the Dogs Don't Growl, the Neighbors Can't Howl: In West Hartford, Conn., three years after O.J. Simpson was acquitted, renowned lawyer Johnnie Cochran defended two rottweilers accused of barking too much, but he lost the case. Cochran represented his friend Flora Allen (mother of basketball player and actor Ray Allen), whose dogs were the subject of numerous barking complaints, but he failed to persuade a judge to lift a 9 p.m. outdoor curfew on the dogs. [Hartford Courant, 6-29-98, 8-6-98] A jury in Birmingham, Ala., ruled in favor of Barbara Carlisle and her parents in their 1999 lawsuit against two companies that had overcharged them by $1,224 to install two satellite dishes. The jury awarded the plaintiffs a total of $581 million in damages. [New York Times-AP, 5-11-99] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why They Go Postal Letter carrier Martha Cherry, 49, was fired by the Postal Service in White Plains, N.Y., in 1997 after 18 years of apparently walking her rounds too slowly. Wrote a supervisor, of the 5-foot-4 Cherry: "At each stop, the heal of your leading foot did not pass the toe of the trailing foot by more than one inch. As a result, you required 13 minutes longer than your demonstrated ability to deliver the mail to this section of your route." [Gaston (N.C.) Gazette-AP, 9-14-97] Postal worker Douglas C. Yee, 50, was indicted in 1996 in San Mateo, Calif., for pulling off bulk-mail scams that grossed him $800,000. Found in Yee's garbage were notes he had written to God expressing gratitude for His continued help in evading police. Read one: "Lord, I am having a difficult time myself seeing you as a God who hides crime, yet your Word says that it's your privilege (or glory) to do just that." [san Jose Mercury News, 2-9-96] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Least Competent Criminals Fort Smith, Ark., police arrested James Newsome, 37, in 1999 and charged him with taking money at gunpoint from the Gas Well convenience store. The robber's face was easily identified from the surveillance tape, and the coat worn by the robber was found in Newsome's car. Also, Newsome's wife said the family car had a radiator leak, and a puddle of antifreeze was found beside the store where the robber parked. And, also, the robber wore a hard hat with "James Newsome" on the front. [Reuters wirecopy, 1-26-99] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Leading Economic Indicators Electrical contractor Akira Hareruya, 36, whose company went bankrupt, had taken to working the streets of Tokyo in 1999, trying to earn back the money by inviting passersby to put on boxing gloves and take swings at him for the equivalent of about US$9 a minute. He promised not to hit back, but only to try to evade the punches, and suggested that his customers further relieve their stress by yelling at him as they swing. He told the Los Angeles Times that he averaged the equivalent of about US$200 a night. [Los Angeles Times, 9-15-99] Purdy, Mo., banker Glen Garrett, 66, got in trouble in the 1990s and by 1998, according to a Springfield (Mo.) Business Journal report, had spent about $1 million in legal fees to fight federal regulators who had fined him because he wouldn't stop doing business as his father had taught him, that is, by handshake, rather than by the required, formal paperwork. In one paperless deal, Garrett hired himself to construct a bank building, but that upset the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. because there were no competitive bids, even though an independent appraiser later said that Garrett built the bank for about $300,000 less than the market price. [springfield Business Journal, 3-30-98] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Latest Religious Messages In 1998, Josh Hempel, then 16, in Calgary, Alberta, became the then-latest person to be hit by lightning shortly after ending an argument by inviting God to strike him with lightning if he was wrong. (The subject of this argument was whether God exists.) He was hospitalized but recovered. And at the Bathgate Golf Club in West Lothian, Scotland, two months before that, Father Alex Davie was playing in the Clergy Golfing Society tournament when lightning struck the tip of his umbrella and then, when he sought refuge under a tree, struck that, too. He suffered a sore arm but continued his round. [Edmonton Journal, 8-22-98] [The Sunday Times (London), 6-7-98] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thinning the Herd On the morning of Nov. 11, 1997, two best friends, ages 27 and 41, residents of Whitney, Texas, about 25 miles north of Waco, did what they often enthusiastically did when they encountered each other on the empty farm roads: They drove their pickups directly at each other in a game of chicken. That morning, they collided at about 60 miles an hour. The younger man was saved by his seatbelt; the older man, unbelted, died at the scene. [Houston Chronicle, 11-14-97] (Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679 or WeirdNews@earthlink.net or go to www.NewsoftheWeird.com.) COPYRIGHT 2004 CHUCK SHEPHERD newsoftheweird.com

Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs CHRISTCHURCH, N.Z. (Wireless Flash) -- Some women have Olympic-sized dreams, such as the New Zealand lady who recently tried to propose marriage to her favorite rugby star by running on to a field during a practice and stripping to her undies. So far, there's no word on if the player, Richie McCaw, wants to tackle a relationship with his fan, Mahlah Hoffmann. LONDON -- British TV producers are being criticized for a new proposed reality show where men compete to be the father of a woman's first child. The chosen man's semen is than paired with an anonymous donor and artificially inseminated into the wannabe mother. Despite the controversy, producer Remy Blumenfeld tell the Telegraph, "It's much more about the rule of science than the rule of attraction." NEW YORK -- New York Senator, Hillary Rodham Clinton is getting fussy over a movie about baby brokering she saw on the Lifetime channel. The film, "Baby for Sale," which was based on true events has now set Clinton off to introduce a new bill to establish national and tougher penalties for illegal baby brokering. SAN FRANCISCO -- A San Francisco panhandler is finally giving something back to the community. After begging for money outside of the Blue Room Gallery for years, a begger known only as Don has given the owner of the art gallery $10,000, a portion of the $187,000 he inherited from his estranged mother's estate. Don says he gave the money to the Paul Mahder because he always treated him with respect. ncbuy.com

Sorry, thought i was log in !

Yup, they got cop that get caught beating people on tapes the economy, money problem and so on then they got time for this! L.A. considers banning silly string Associated Press Jul. 23, 2004 09:33 AM LOS ANGELES - Silly string's days may be numbered in Los Angeles. The City Council is set to consider an ordinance Friday that would ban the substance from use in public places. One councilman says banning silly string is needed to clean up the streets of Hollywood and other areas where it is often used during Halloween and New Year's parties. He says the aerosol-powered spray string can clog sewers. Many others say the council is wasting time by discussing such a seemingly trivial issue. The ingredients of silly string are kept secret by manufacturers, but some kinds contain a small amount of alcohol and plasticizers. azcentral.com

Court /Police What Follows are Actual Transcripts from Real Court Cases: Q: What is you date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. Q: This myasthenia gravis—does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten? Q: How old is your son...the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said when he woke up that morning? A: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?` Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: How many trucks do you own? A: Seventeen. Q: Seventy? A: Seventeen. Q: Seventeen? A: No, about twelve. Q: The respiratory arrest means no breathing, doesn’t it? A: That’s it. Q: And in every case where there is death, isn’t there no breathing? Q: Tell us your full name, please. A: Mine? Q: Yes, sir. A: 555-2723. Q: Mr. Daniels, do you have any problems hearing me? A: Not really. Q: Where do you live? A: Pardon? Q: To the charge of driving while intoxicated how do you plead? A: Drunk. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A: Yes, I have been since childhood. Q: Where do you live? A: LaPosta Trailer Court. Q: How do you spell that trailer court? A: T-R-A-I-L-E-R C-O-U-R-T. Q: Do you wear a two piece bathing suit now that you have a scar? A: I don’t wear a bathing suit at all. Q: That can be taken two ways. Q: Are you restricted in some way by having your third finger shot off? A: Yeah, a little. Q: What could you do before the accident that you can’t do now? A: Wear a ring on it. Q: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol content? A: A dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett Packard 5710A with flame analyzation detectors. Q: Can you get that with mag wheels? A: Only on the floor models. Following are 20 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in some cases, the responses given by the witnesses with varying degrees of patience. 1. "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 2. "The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?" 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 4. "Where you alone of by yourself?" 5. "Was it you or you brother who was killed in the war?" 6. "Did he kill you?" 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" 10. Q. "So the date of conception (of the baby) was Aug.8? A. "Yes" Q. "And what were you doing at the time?" 11. Q. "She had three children right?" A. "Yes." Q. "How many were boys?" A. "None." Q. "Were there any girls?" 12. Q. You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A. "Yes." Q. "And these stairs, did they go up also?" 13. Q. "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A. "I went to Europe, sir." Q. "And you took your new wife?" 14. Q. "How was your first marriage terminated?" A. "By death." Q. And by whose death was it terminated?" 15. Q. Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A. "So, this is how I dress when I go to work." 16. Q. "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A. " All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 17. Q. "Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A. "The autopsy started around 8:30 pm." Q. "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A. "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." 18. Q. "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A. "Oral." 19. Q." Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A. "I have been since early childhood." 20. Q. "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A. "No." Q. "Did you check for blood pressure? A. "No." Q. "Did you check for breathing?'' A. "No." Q. "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A. "No." Q." How can you be so sure doctor?" A. "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q. "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A. "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere." These were reported recently in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal.

The following show that someone got way too much time on their hand Why Ask Why? Why is it when you sit around the house you don't actually sit around the house? Why do 10 pounds of groceries generate 50 pounds of garbage? Why is abbreviate such a long word? Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway? What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Why are they called apartments when they are so close together? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning? If nothing sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If your vehicle is going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio volume? 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the badgirls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? 8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? 10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 11. Is there another word for synonym? 12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" 13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping? 24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 26. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 28. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 29. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 30. How is it possible to have a civil war? 31. If God dropped acid, would he see people? 32. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 33. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 34. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 35. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it? 36. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? 37. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 38. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 39. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket? 40. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff? 41. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

The link to the following is funny i can see it now, be the first in your small town with this and the people will think that we got E.T. on earth wonderfullywacky

Veteran Back George Signs One-Year Deal with Cowboys Fri Jul 23, 2004 03:26 PM ET DALLAS (Reuters) - The Dallas Cowboys signed running back Eddie George to a one-year, $2.2 million deal on Friday, adding a steady veteran to a young and unproven backfield. George, 30, had been released earlier this week by the Tennessee Titans after a salary dispute. He is the all-time rushing leader for the franchise, surpassing 10,000 yards in his eight seasons with the team. George told a press conference he was excited to join Cowboys coach Bill Parcells. "He has taken teams that were tinkering with success and mediocrity and made them into champions," George said. The Cowboys said the deal includes a $660,000 base salary and a $1.54 million bonus for reporting to training camp. Incentives could push the deal to over $4.5 million. A former Heisman Trophy winner named to the Pro Bowl four times, George has not missed a start in 128 games but in recent seasons has been affected by injuries. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- © Copyright Reuters 2004. All rights reserved. reuters.com

Woman is stung; 60,000 bees killed By KRIS ABBEY kris.abbey@amarillo.com The Amarillo Globe-News Publication Date: 07/23/04 An estimated 60,000 bees died Thursday and at least one woman suffered multiple bee stings during a commotion surrounding removal of a bee hive. Local beekeeper Charlie Kroeger said the manager of an apartment complex at 3008 S.W. 28th Ave. called Amarillo Animal Control, which contacted Kroeger about removing the hive. What Kroeger said turned out to be a large hive was hidden from view between enclosed ceiling joists on an overhanging roof above a second-floor balcony. Kroeger, who has worked with bees for 30 years, said he removed a panel and saw the size of the hive and the aggressiveness of the bees. About 3 p.m., a resident at the complex drove up during the bee removal operation and started walking to her second-floor apartment. The bees began to buzz around her, Kroeger said. He advised her to go the other direction at a run, which typically would leave the bees behind. Instead, she made a beeline for her apartment, right next to the hive, he said. She reached her apartment with numerous stings and called 911, which dispatched paramedics, Kroeger said. The paramedics initially could not approach the apartment because thousands of agitated bees were in the area and bent on defending their hive, Kroeger said. Amarillo firefighters came to the scene and blocked off the street. Some firefighters donned protective suits and prepared to use chemicals to wipe out the bees. Kroeger said he stepped in with a simpler and safer method to kill an estimated three-quarters of the hive: spraying water. The woman who was stung went to a hospital for observation, Kroeger said. As to whether the bees might be an "Africanized" strain, Kroeger said there's no way to know unless the city chooses to send a sample to the state beekeeper in College Station for examination. "I will just say that they were more aggressive than average honeybees. There's no way to tell by looking except by looking under a microscope," he said. "They act like they may have some Africanized genetic material." Later, the apartments were quiet. One man who lives there spoke behind his door, which he opened a crack. "Better watch out. You'll get stung by bees," the man advised. Marcus Bell, a resident of nearby Covington Pointe Apartments, said he didn't know anything about the bees as he let his pug, Tone, out on to the lawn. "I'm glad I didn't take my dog for a walk today," he said. Globe-News Staff Writer Joe Chapman contributed to this report. © The Amarillo Globe-News Online amarilloglobe

Flash Lites: Rip `N' Read Pop Culture Recap LOS ANGELES (Wireless Flash) -- Talk about an odd couple: MTV prankster Tom Green and low brow talk show host Jerry Springer are working on a TV show together. According to "The Hollywood Reporter," the proposed series would be a "week-in-review" program where the two gadflies comment on recent happenings in news and pop culture. NEW YORK -- Brandy's EX has dropped a bombshell: He was never married to the pop star. Robert Smith says he went along with a story about a "secret marriage" to protect Brandy's image when she became pregnant with their now-two-year-old daughter. According to MTV News, Smith has also confessed that he was dating someone else when he and Brandy conceived their child. LOS ANGELES -- Whoopi Goldberg's firing by Slim-Fast after anti-Bush comments is plumping up her fan support. A Los Angeles group of democrats has vowed to boycott Unilever, the company that makes the weight-loss product. ncbuy.com

Authors of Begin Anew, Life In A Northern Town, The Quantum & more plus others authors, Rickdog, Write By Myself, Mark Peters, and many more Dabeagle.net

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir .....can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line......It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it" He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

Newspaper Headlines Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies. Eye Drops Off Shelf. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passenrs Should be Belted. Murder Suspect Sentenced to Death for Second Time in Ten Years. POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS STUD TIRES OUT PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS BUSH WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE 2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1000 IN '84 WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN ENFIELD COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

I ain't telling lol

ODD FACTS The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma. American car horns beep in the tone of F. No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright Bother's first flight. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA." Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor. Marilyn Monroe had six toes. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public. Walt Disney was afraid of mice. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined

Country-Western Song Titles Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm kissing You Goodbye Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me? Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2. Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over You If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him Please Bypass this Heart She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

You Don't Know Jack Schitt Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep Inn- Schitt. Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six children. Holly Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, and then two daughters: Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt. Their Final child, another son, was named Bull Schitt. By and by, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. the Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they're awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt. So, you not only know Jack Schitt, but his entire family as well! For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

Which condom would you use? Nike: Just do it. Toyota: Oh what a feeling. Diet Pepsi: You got the right one, baby. Pringles: Once you pop, you can't stop. Mentos: The freshmaker. Flintstones Vitamins Pack: Ten millon strong and growing. Secret: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman. Macintosh: It does more, it costs less, its that simple. Ford: The best never rest. Chevy: Like a rock. Dial: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? New York Lotto: Cause hey... you never know. California Lotto: Who's next? Avis: Trying harder than ever. KFC: Finger-Licking Good. Coca Cola: Always the Real Thing. Lays: Betcha can't have just one. Campbells Soup: Mm, mm good. The Carl's Jr.: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face! General Electric: We bring good things to life! AT&T: "Reach out and touch someone." Bounty: The quicker picker upper. Microsoft: Where do you want to go today ? Energizer: It keeps going and going and going.... M&M: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!" Chevron: Use them? People do. Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border. MCI: For friends and family Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun! The Sears Latex: One coat is good for the entire winter. Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are. United Airlines travel pack: Fly United. The Star Trek: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before. The John Bobbit: Riveted for her pleasure. Strong for his protection

An Irish Mother's Letter Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this slowly because I know that you can't read very fast. You won't know the house when you come home. We've moved. About your father, he has got a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He cuts grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. I went to the doctors on Thursday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. Your uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of Irish whiskey at the Dublin brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took 3 days to put the fire out. It only rained twice this week, first for 3 days and then for 4 days. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in 7 days, up she comes. Your loving Mother, P.S. I was going to send you 5 dollars, but I have already sealed the envelope.

LOL