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Police Search for Cross-Dressing Robber 04:59 PM EST - August 10, 2004 The Associated Press COLLIERVILLE, Tenn. The robber in the green sun dress could have used a little fashion help, witnesses agreed. Police were searching Tuesday for a the man who robbed a bank while wearing a woman's wig and dress. "It was a leaf design, but muted," a woman who witnessed the holdup said of the robber's frock. "He looked a mess," said another witness. The witnesses, whose full names weren't released by police, said the robber was obviously male, given away by his muscular leg - and the mustache. Police Capt. Tommy McCaskill said the robber threatened a teller at a branch bank in a Kroger store in this Memphis suburb but did not show a weapon. No one was hurt. As the robber fled, he tried to cover the mustache with one hand while grasping what police said was $4,000 in the other. --- Information from: The Commercial Appeal, http://www.thecommercialappeal.com commercialappeal.com

Drunk Driver Asks Police to Arrest Him Drunk Driver Pulls Next to Police Cruiser and Asks Officer to Arrest Him The Associated Press VERNON, Vt. Aug. 9, 2004 — It's not too often that the police get pulled over by a drunk driver. But that's what happened recently to Police Chief Ian McCollin. McCollin was heading south on Route 142 when he noticed a driver at the Broad Brook Road stop sign, slowly edging forward into the intersection. As he passed the car, McCollin saw a confused look on the motorist's face. "I figured it might be somebody looking for help, possibly lost or something," he said. When McCollin pulled his cruiser to the shoulder, the man pulled alongside, rolled down his passenger-side window and made an astonishing proclamation: He was looking for a police officer to arrest him because he was drunk. McCollin reported the stop to a dispatcher and called for backup due to the suspicious nature of the man's claim. "Under the circumstances of the stop and the unusual nature of what he said, I was just a little nervous about it," he said. "It just wasn't natural." The man handed over a non-driver's I.D., identifying himself as Bryan S. Condo, 28, of North Pownal, then reported that his license had been criminally suspended and he also had a previous arrest for driving while intoxicated. During a preliminary breath test, Condo registered more than four times the 0.08 legal limit, McCollin said. McCollin said Condo didn't exhibit any of the classic, combative signs he's observed in most other DUI arrests. "He was a gentleman, very polite and very cooperative," he said. "I think he was looking for or needs help." Condo was brought to the Brattleboro Police Department, where he was cited for second-offense DUI and driving while his license was suspended. McCollin later dropped a slightly more sober Condo off in Vernon. "It's the first time I've been pulled over and the first time I've been pulled over by a drunk driver," he said. "It's hard to believe, but I guess this is one for the books." Copyright 2004 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. abc.go.com

Granny's Carpool A state police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at only 22 m.p.h. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, and that all the old ladies were wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!" The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error. Before letting her go, however, the officer asked, "Is everyone in the car okay? Those women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

Giggling Drunk Lawyer Delays Hearing By Associated Press August 9, 2004, 11:01 PM EDT HONG KONG -- A visibly drunk prosecutor who was giggling uncontrollably prompted a halt in a sentence hearing and later posed for journalists outside the courthouse as Auguste Rodin's sculpture "The Thinker," newspaper reported Tuesday. A judge was forced to call a two-minute recess after Roderick Murray, a government prosecutor, put on sunglasses, giggled, clapped his hands and drummed his fingers on the desk during the session at Hong Kong's District Court on Monday, the South China Morning Post and the tabloid The Standard reported. Judge Chua Fi-lan then sought help from a defense lawyer to "assist" Murray in controlling himself, The Standard said. Murray, who witnesses said smelled strongly of alcohol as he staggered into court, later admitted to reporters that he had consumed two dry martinis and a number of beers before attending the hearing, the Post said. He then posed outside the courthouse for journalists in imitation of French sculptor Rodin's masterpiece, the newspaper reported. Judiciary spokeswoman Jamie Or said she had no information about what happened inside the District Court on Monday but she gave The Associated Press a terse response from Chua, who said, "It is correct that Mr. Roderick Murray's (behavior) inside and outside court was bizarre. I (will) deal with the issue in the fullness of time." Murray, who trained as an attorney at the University of Southampton in Britain, did not immediately return a call from AP seeking comment. Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com

Gravy Ladle John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and handsome the butler was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the butler than met the eye. she always supects her son was gay which he deny everytime she hints Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my butler is purely professional." About a week later, the butler came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your butler, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your butler. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Did you hear about the guy who dream that he ate a 100 pound Marshmallow? He woke up one morning and his pillow was gone!

Feline frenzy as cat creeps in cockpit, causing emergency landing in Brussels Canadian Press Tuesday, August 10, 2004 ADVERTISEMENT BRUSSELS, Belgium (AP) - An SN Brussels airliner made an emergency landing after an "agitated" passenger - a cat - got into the cockpit and attacked the co-pilot, the airline said Tuesday. The Monday flight from Brussels to Vienna, Austria, had been in the air about 20 minutes when it was noticed that a passenger's pet had escaped from its cage, "although it is not yet clear how," according to an airline statement. "Once free, the animal proceeded to wander around the cabin," slipping into the cockpit when meals were being delivered to the two-man flight crew, it said. "At this stage the animal became agitated and nervous," the statement said. An airline spokeswoman added that the cat scratched the co-pilot's arm. The pilot decided to return to Brussels as a precaution, and the 58 passengers left Brussels two hours later on another flight. The cat had been checked in Oslo, Norway, in an internationally approved "flight transport bag," but the airline said it may end up changing its procedures for pets in the cabin once it concludes its investigation. "At no time throughout the incident was the passengers' security affected in any way," the airline said. © The Canadian Press 2004 canada.com

Swab in stomach caused pain A German woman who suffered stomach pains for nearly 20 years, found doctors had left a six-inch gauze swab in her stomach after an operation. The 48-year-old woman has won £6,600 in damages as a result of the discovery which came 19 years after the operation. Braunschweig State Court heard the now 48-year-old woman had had a hysterectomy in 1985 and surgeons had left the swab inside her. She told the court the "best years" of her life had been spent visiting one doctor after another trying to find out what was causing the pains in her stomach. The gauze was discovered after she underwent exploratory surgery. ananova.com

Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs STONEHENGE, England (Wireless Flash) -- The rocks that make up the ancient monument Stonehenge are being badgered by badgers. According to Reuters, badgers are burrowing into the prehistoric site and disturbing thousands of human remains and rare artifacts lying beneath the surface. WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The more money you have, the more you speed. That's one of the findings driving a study by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. Nearly 60 percent of wealthy people admit they often drive at least 10 miles over the speed limit, compared to about 45 percent of poorer folks. SHANGHAI, China -- A Chinese singer who claims to be the world's hairiest man has had to go under the scissors to save his hearing. Doctors in Shanghai removed all the hair in Yu Zhenhuan's ears, as well as the tissue which would lead to future hair growth, reports Eastday.com. It seems secretions from the hair in the man's ears were affecting his hearing and could have led to more serious problems. SAN DIEGO -- A new supplement which will hit stores in the U.S by the end of the year strives to make hangovers go the way of the dinosaurs by using 40 million year old fossil tree sap. The supplement, called Rebound, fights cotton mouth and nausea using extract of amber -- or ancient pine tree sap. ncbuy.com

Welcome Chris

let see. i see Jeff,Greame,Scribblers,Bubba, C_Robbins wow alot of them Hi-Ya

I have to laugh at the ads that show up above the Monkey In The Bar threads all the ads on monkey lol!

Romanian selling his p**** A Romanian man says he is decided to sell his p**** because he needs money more than anything including having sex. The 33-year-old man from Rovinari, Gorj county, who never met his parents, claims he needs financial support to take care of his younger brothers. He said he doesn't really need his p**** but knows somebody who does. Constantin Dugulan told Gazeta de Sud newspaper: "I saw on TV that a doctor cut a patient's p**** by mistake and I thought that man might be interested to buy mine. I am not sure this operation is possible but if it is I am ready to give up my p**** for a better life." The man said he was about to sell one of his kidneys and also an eye a few years ago but his client changed his mind. ananova.com

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. The bartender tells him that he can't have a monkey in the bar. The guy says "You won't even notice that this monkey's here. "Well alright then." the bartender replies. About a half hour later, the monkey gets restless and starts running amok, knocking drinks over and tearing pictures off the wall. Then he jumps on the pool table and eats the cue ball. Finally his owner catches him and both are kicked out of the bar. About a week later the guy returns with the monkey. Bartender says to him "Get that damn monkey out of here! He nearly wrecked the place last time." The guy tells him its all right "I had a long talk with the monkey. Just give him some peanuts and he will behave. I promise. "OK, but he better!" the bartender says, and he gives the monkey some peanuts. The monkey picks one up, sticks it up his a**, pulls it out,and then eats it. Picks up another one and does the same thing. After a few more times the bartender walks over and says "I admit he's behaving well but why does he keep sticking the peanuts up his a** before he eats them?" "Well" the man replies, "after he ate that cue ball, he measures everything before he eats it!"

The Seven Dwarfs went to the Vatican to visit the Pope. the others 6 dwarfs stood behind him and snickers! Dopey stood up and asked if there were any nuns who were two feet tall in the Vatican. The Pope replied "No". the others Dwafts again snickers" Then Dopey asked if there were any two foot tall nuns anywhere. all the others Dwafts lean on each others snickers harder by now" The Pope again replied "No". Then all of the other dwarfs sang, "DOPEY DID A PENGUIN, DOPEY DID A PENGUIN !"

"True" Stories of Stupid People It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. 45-year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil. David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I., after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind. Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five- minute recess to compose himself. Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck. Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your f**king head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, " - if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence. R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer's asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri. New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it." I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk." My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?" I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs TACNA, Peru (Wireless Flash) -- A Peruvian woman will do anything to prevent her cash from being stolen -- even swallow it. According to the "Pakistan Daily Times," Marleny Villa was on a bus that was being robbed and ate the equivalent of $800, one single bill at a time. Luckily, her stomach was pumped and both Villa and her bankroll are doing fine. AUCKLAND, New Zealand -- Lava lamps speeding their way from China to New Zealand turned out to be carrying crystal meth. The New Zealand Press Association reports the speed was kept in the lava liquid and had a street value of $9 million. AMSTERDAM -- The Dutch Labor party wants to lick what it sees as a problem: toe-licking. The party wants to make unsolicited toe-licking an offense because one rouge male toe-licker that police apprehended had to be set free because according to the law he had not committed a crime and was not prosecutable. The Dutch press claim the man has been a known toe-licker on beaches and in park for three years, but this was the first time police had caught him. MILAN, Italy -- If p*** star Mary Carey could run for governor of California, why can't a Hungarian EX-p*** star run to be mayor of Milan, Italy? 52-year-old Ilona Staller quit the business in 1989, and entered politics in 1987 when she became the Chamber of Deputies. She's known for exposing her breasts at press conferences and has publicly offered to have sex with Saddam Hussein for years, but now she wants to be mayor. Although she has a track record of being defeated as a mayoral candidate of the Italian town of Monza and parliament in Hungary both in 2002. ncbuy.com

100 Year Old The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

Crashes give new Houston rail line a bad reputation HOUSTON Houston's new rail line between downtown and the Astrodome is earning a few new nicknames. The list includes: "Danger Train," the "Wham Bam Tram" and "A Streetcar Named Disaster." More than 50 collisions have occurred along the seven and a-half mile route since it opened in November. Some Houston residents are keeping a running tally on Web sites. The MetroRail averages six crashes a month. The Federal Transit Administration says that's a rate 20 times worse than the U-S average for the nation's 17 light rail systems. Most of the wrecks are minor and injury-free, and usually caused by cars making illegal left turns across the tracks. City councilman Michael Berry says Metro should have anticipated problems, since the track runs through the busy downtown, the Museum District, the Texas Medical Center and the Astrodome-Reliant Park complex. ___ On the Net: Metropolitan Transit Authority: http://www.hou-metro.harris.tx.us/motion/lrt/railintro2.asp Wham-Bam-Tram Ram Counter: http://www.actionamerica.org/houston/ Danger Train blog: http://www.publiustx.net/index.php?catid3 Copyright 2004 Associated Press. All rights reserved. team4news.com

Speeder Gets Break For Upset Stomach - Associated Press Thursday, August 5, 2004 OSLO, Norway -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A reckless driver in Norway got a reduced sentence for speeding on Monday after he told a judge he had to go faster than the law allowed because his upset stomach was working faster than he could drive. The driver, who wasn't identified in line with Norwegian privacy guidelines, was pulled over by police for going more than twice the posted speed limit in central Norway on June 26. At one point, police clocked the driver doing 78 mph in a 31 mph zone, the newspaper Tronder-Avisa reported, citing police accounts. A state prosecutor wanted to confiscate the man's drivers license for six months, but the man said he had to rush home so he could go to the bathroom. Instead, the man had his license revoked for five months and fined $1,143. "The violation of the law occurred solely as a result of the urgent need to find a lavatory, a need caused by stomach problems," the court ruled. But the court warned that stomach-induced speeding wasn't a free ride. "He could have stopped the car and found a lavatory somewhere along the road," the ruling said. sfgate.com

Man Charged In Pipe Bomb Incident Bond Set At $90,000 POSTED: 9:39 AM CDT August 6, 2004 UPDATED: 3:48 PM CDT August 7, 2004 CHICAGO -- A 42-year-old man was charged and held on $90,000 bond Saturday for allegedly leaving three pipe bombs inside his Southwest Side home in an apparent domestic dispute. Yazid Mustafa, of 7742 S. Kenton Ave., was charged with a felony count of unlawful use of a weapon, police news affairs Officer Alice Casanova said. Police arrested Mustafa Friday at a tire shop in Harvey, where he worked, Casanova said. Police performed a search at the shop and found an explosive in a toolbox, which Mustafa allegedly said was his, she said. Casanova did not know the address where the shop is located. A 10-inch pipe bomb containing one-fourth of an ounce of gunpowder and nails was found at the tire shop, a Cook County assistant state's attorney said during the bond hearing Saturday. two "non-completed" pipe bombs also were found in the shop, he said. Earlier on Friday, three pipe bombs were found in basement vents at the Kenton Avenue address at about 7:40 a.m., according to police news affairs Deputy Director Pat Camden, who went to the scene. A man believed to be the woman's husband called in a bomb threat, Camden said, and the incident appeared to be a domestic issue between the husband and wife who were in the middle of a divorce. Casanova said Mustafa was the woman's husband. It was not clear if the couple had currently both been living at the home, Camden said. Bomb technicians from the police Bomb and Arson Section "disrupted" the devices, or rendered them safe, according to a section sergeant and Camden. No injuries were reported, Camden said. The pipe bombs were packed with gunpowder and nails, Casanova said. The police Bomb and Arson Section; Hostage, Barricade and Terrorist Team; Chicago Lawn District; and Wentworth Area all sent personnel to the scene, Camden said. The fire department also responded, he added. Police units searched the home and "everything is back to normal," he said. A still-alarm response was ordered for the bomb threat, sending two engines and two trucks to the scene, and an ambulance was put on standby, fire Media Affairs Director Larry Langford said. The alarm also sendt a battalion chief and about 28 firefighters. There were no injuries, Langford said. Sue Halverson had arrived on the 7700 block of South Kenton Avenue at about 11 a.m. to visit her 74-year-old father, who lived across the street from 7742, when she found that the entire block was taped off and multiple police units were present, she said in a telephone interview Friday afternoon. She found her father at one end of the block, and he told her police had asked him to leave his home around 8 a.m., Halverson said. The woman and her father were allowed back in the residence at about 2:15 p.m., she said. Halverson said she also saw police units search a car parked in the driveway at the Kenton Avenue residence, which she described as a brick bungalow. The woman's father said he had heard police yell, "Fire in the hol!" before he heard a muffled explosion, she said. Mustafa had a preliminary hearing scheduled for Aug. 18 at 9 a.m. in South Felony Court, Casanova said. Copyright 2004 by NBC5.com. All rights reserved www.nbc5.com

Dear pet owner, To tell the weather, Go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Sincerely, The Cat

Jackass In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!" The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212. (Keep reading, it gets better.) One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!" The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front." I asked, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Sure." "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No!" He said, "What's your name, pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, jackass!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!

A Bad Day A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say,..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

1, 2, 3, 4` A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say 'one, two, three' and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say 'one, two, three, four' and it will disappear for 12 months." Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His p**** becomes larger and stiffer than ever before. His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, "That's great! But what did you say 'one, two, three' for?"