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New Hearing Aid An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've already changed my will three times!"

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

Sex Shop Claims Job Applicant Stole Toy By Associated Press August 4, 2004, 8:47 PM EDT DECATUR, Ala. -- A sex shop planned to file an arrest warrant for a woman who allegedly left the store without paying for a toy but who left a good lead on how to find her: She had just filled out a job application. "I thought, that is a classic case of dumb-crook news," said Jamie Hudgins, a sales clerk at Pleasures. She said the 22-year-old Decatur woman entered the store with two friends at 12:30 p.m. Monday, completed a job application and browsed the store before leaving. The anti-theft alarm at the exit sounded as she left. She then pulled the $22.12 worth of merchandise from her purse, tossed it on the floor and fled, Hudgins said. Hudgins said an attachment for the sex toy remained in the woman's purse. Hudgins told The Decatur Daily in a story Wednesday that the woman's mother offered to pay for the items but the store would not be lenient. She said the store also plans to seek harassment charges against another woman who called the store in connection with the alleged shoplifting. * __ Information from: The Decatur Daily Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com

3 mices went into the bathroom late one night and decided to go to sleep! the first mouse went to the bathroom sink to sleep the second mouse went to the bathtubs to sleep and the third mouse slept in the toilets! at the crack of dawn the first mouse got out of the sink and jog around it, he said wow that was good, the best i slept in a longt time the second mouse jump out of the tubs and did push up and said man, that was awesome. i feel great! the third mouse came dragging himself out of the toilets? the other two look at him and ask what wrong!? he reply, man it was a nightmares in there! i was sleeping good, then all at once it got dark as hell, then it started to pourdown raining. then the wind blowed so hard it knock me back in the water! then along came a whirlpool and i spin around and around, and if somebody didn't throw that damn log in there i would had drown!?

An 80 year old man was married to a 30 year old woman. They decided to start a family but the man didn't think he had enough sperm left. So, he went to the doctor. Man: Doc, i'm 80 and my wife's 30 and we wanna start a family but I don't think I have enough sperm left, can you help us? The doctor gives the man a little bottle and tells him to fill it up and bring it back. A couple of days later the man returns rather humbly to the doctor's office. Doctor: Do you have the specimen? Man: Yes.... Doctor: May I have it? Man : I guess so.... The man gives the doctor the bottle and the doctor looks at the bottle then at the man then at the bottle then at the man.... Doctor: Sir, I believe we have a slight problem here. This bottle is empty. Man: It's OK Doc, I can explain everything. See, I tried it with my left hand and I tried it with my right hand. And then my wife, she tried it with her right hand and she tried it with her left hand. We tried it on the bed and off the bed. We tried it right side up and up side down. We tried it in the shower and out of the shower. For the love of God, my wife even tried it with and without her teeth..... But you know what Doc....we just couldn't get that damn bottle open!

Dem' smart city folk A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground. A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says. "Where can I buy one?" he is asked. Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says. "I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money. I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK? "Sure." The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news." I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead. The city feller says just give me my money back then. "Can't, spent it already!" "Well... unload the mule then." "What ya gonna do with him?" "Raffle him off!" "Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!" "Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks." One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop. "What did ya do with that dead mule?" "Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."

Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs LIBERTYVILLE, Ill. (Wireless Flash) -- Finding your way around Boston can drive you crazy. It's the most challenging city to navigate in America, according to Avis, which based it decision on driving factors such as street layouts, congested freeways, days of rain and snow and complexity of directions needed to get from the airport to the city center. Meanwhile, Bakersfield, California, is the least-challenging city for driving, along with Anchorage, Alaska; and Fresno, California. SACRAMENTO, Calif. -- Terminator Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger terminated a novelty company from selling Bobblehead dolls of him dressed in a suit and carrying a gun. He sued the Ohio Discount Merchandise Inc., and has settled the suit. Terms include that the company can sell the doll without the gun, and a portion of the sales go to the nonprofit Arnold All-Stars after-school program in Los Angeles. PITTSBURGH -- Hiccups are no laughing matter for Pennsylvania state representative Larry Roberts, who has been hospitalized after suffering a persistent bout of hiccups which started July 19. His condition seems to be improving; an aide from his office tells the "Pittsburgh Post-Gazette" there are "longer lapses" between the hiccups, although they haven't stopped. LEONARD, N.D. -- Police have uncovered a meth lab in the kitchen of a rural North Dakota church. The find at Bethel Morovian Church near the town of Leonard didn't surprise one sheriff's lieutenant, who tells Minneapolis' "Star Tribune," "A church almost makes sense. If nobody is using the church during the week, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the possibilities." ncbuy.com

I think i know this lady! laughing-smiley

Once upon a time...there was a little old man who really took good care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles everyday. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body, when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his p****. He decided that he must do something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand...all except his p****. Soon along came two old ladies who were strolling along the sand. One was walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady, "You know. there ain't hardly no justice in this world." The other little old lady asked, "Whatever do you mean by that?" Well, she said.... When I was 20, I was curious... When I was 30, I enjoyed it... When I was 40, I asked for it... When I was 50, I paid for it.... When I was 60, I prayed for it... When I was 70, I forgot about it... And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat.

There was a man who went to church with his wife, and he always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife was fed up and decided to do something about this. One Sunday she took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off. When the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in six days and rested on the seventh..", she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good god almighty!". The minister said "That's right, that's right." and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins..." the wife jabbed him again. He jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ!". The minister said "That's right, that's right!", and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'll break it off!"

An old woman was going through the attic when she found an old lamp. She rubbed on it and a genie appeared. " You may have three wishes ." he told her. She thought hard, then said quickly " I want to be eternally beautiful." He waved his hands, and she was. Then she said, "I want to be extremely rich." Suddenly, huge amounts of gold appeared. " For my final wish, I want my cat to turn into a handsome, young, man, who is completely in love with me." The genie waved his hands, and her cat turned into an incredible looking man. He grabbed her in his arms, and said, " Remember when you had me neutered last week?"

The wife of a preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week. The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a "Honk if you Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at church, so I bought that bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I'm really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD, Go! . . . . Go! Jesus Christ! Just Go!" Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. "There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenager son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst into laughter. Why, even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the light had changed so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection. I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them and all that love that we had shared so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience. Honk if you love Jesus!!!

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken "crossed" the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road". And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: It was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn’t see the road until he had already started to cross. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? BILL CLINTON: "I did not have an improper relationship with that chicken."

Believe it or Not! Not Recommended while Eating. BLIND DRUNK A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out half way, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. MASSIVE TUMOUR In October 1991, surgeons at Stanford University Hospital removed an ovarian tumour weighing over 21 stone from a woman. It was the largest cyst ever detached from a human being. After the operation, the woman weighed 5 stone LESS than the tumour. BABY CHICKEN A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York emergency room complaining of abdominal pains. During an examination, doctors found that the woman's labia were pinned together with old safety pins. Further inside, they found the dismembered body of a chicken. The woman explained that she inserted the chicken pieces, convinced that they would grow into a baby. YUK! A 64 year old woman with colon cancer kept returning to hospital with an infection around her stoma (the hole where the tube from her colostomy bag is inserted). There was also a mysterious whitish ooze emanating from it. After eventually enquiring into her private life, the doctors found out that she led an active sex life. "And," she told them, "when we're feeling really energetic, my husband gets his kicks out of removing the bag and using my stomach." INNER SKELETON A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a foetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body. FEMALE SOFA A 500lb woman from Illinois was examined in hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. Ouch! A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go. GROWING SEASON An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling out. PRICKLY PAIR In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his p****. He complained that his wife had "a rat in her pussy" and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy. LAST STAND A Cambridge man hobbled into casualty complaining of a permanent erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to casualty, all the blood vessels in his p**** were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe painkillers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last. JUICY LUCY In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her gina. She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm that her doctor had recently given her. "I followed all the instructions to the letter,"she told her doctor, "and used it with the jelly." When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied "Blackberry." BRUSH AFTER MEALS A very unhygenic patient was being treated by two nurses for a burst vein in his stomach. While changing the dressing, one of the nurses screamed. They saw maggots crawling down the man's chest. They had been breeding between his teeth, and smelling the open wound, decided to feed further down his body. CALL THE BUM SQUAD! A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a haemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man's anus and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this occasion, the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the man's anus to defuse the shell before it could be removed.

Two Allegedly Rob Store Twice in Night By Associated Press August 3, 2004, 11:42 AM EDT KINGWOOD, W.Va. -- Two men who allegedly broke into the same store twice in the same night were arrested when they were spotted across the street later the same morning. Surveillance video shows two people breaking into the Manown Mini Mart before midnight Sunday, and again early Monday morning. "When the alarm went on the second time and we came out here, we were just thinking, certainly, it's something silly, surely someone just bumped the door or something, certainly they didn't come back," said Linda Huggins, who owns the store with her husband Randy. Wine coolers, fortified wine and cigarettes were taken from the store, Randy Huggins said. As the couple was cleaning up after the second break-in, Huggins said he heard an ATV start outside. Walking to a church parking lot across the street, he recognized the men from the surveillance video. Huggins grabbed Michael Christopher Lovy and deputies caught Zachary Scott Mori, who fled on foot. Both men are 18 and from Waldorf, Md. "I don't know if they were coming for a third time or just couldn't get the four-wheeler started to get out of here." Randy Huggins said. "They didn't seem like they were real swift." Lovy and Mori were charged with two counts each of breaking and entering and conspiracy. Kingwood is about 20 miles southeast of Morgantown. Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com

It's Not Easy Being Emperor LOS ANGELES (Wireless Flash) -- Regardless of who wins the U.S. presidential election in November, a man in Los Angeles will still be claiming to be emperor of America. The man calls himself "Caesar St. Augustine de Buonaparte" and claims he overthrew America in 1996 when he sent a letter to President Bill Clinton declaring war on the U.S. Clinton never responded, so Buonaparte says he became leader by default -- and can't understand why the government and media refuse to inform the American public. Despite this setback, Buonaparte claims he has had a part in government affairs -- including actively warning the government about terrorism. He claims he predicted 9/11 as far back as September 12, 1994, and sent numerous letters to Clinton and George W. Bush warning them to that effect. Although Buonaparte's warnings weren't heeded, he is taking pride that his letters predicting the terrorist attacks are part of the many documents examined in the 9/11 Commission report. Meanwhile, Buonaparte is keeping his fingers crossed about moving into the White House soon, as he's currently between homes. In his words, "I tend to hang out in Malibu, but my belongings are in Canoga Park." ncbuy.com

Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs ST. PAUL, Minn. (Wireless Flash) -- Ask and ye shall receive: A Lutheran pastor in St. Paul, Minnesota, who asked his flock to redeem themselves for stealing by dropping their pilfered merchandise off at his church ended up with several bins of stolen goods. Among the items: men's shirts, hotel towels, bubble gum and a CD stolen from the church. The "Pioneer Press" reports Pastor Derek Rust turned something in too: Gardening equipment which he'd borrowed from a friend and never returned. ARNSBERG, Germany -- Germans are now allowed to stick their tongues out in their passport photos. A 30-year-old man from Arnsberg brought about the new court ruling when he appealed a local passport office's decision to turn down his passport photo because he had his tongue sticking out. The court found there was no rule in German prohibiting the man from doing so, but made him sign a statement that he wouldn't take the issue to court again if he had problems with border patrol officers. LONDON -- A drug-sniffing dog in England has died of an apparent overdose say authorities. The seven-year-old Springer Spaniel named Todd was out patrolling for drugs in a field when he became ill and was rushed to the vet, where he died from ingesting amphetamines. MIAMI -- An American man wearing a controversial t-shirt recently learned that nudity doesn't fly when flying the friendly skies. The man and his girlfriend were both thrown off an American Airlines flight from Costa Rica to Miami because his t-shirt depicted a woman with bare breasts. According to his girlfriend, "The flight attendant basically walked up to us and yelled, `You have to take off that shirt right now.'" He refused, so the flight crew prevented the couple from boarding the flight and gave them a refund. ncbuy.com

A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break...but MATH? It was devastating! To not only him, but his mom and dad, too! And not that they weren't doing everything and anything to help their son...Private tutors, peer assistance, CD-Roms, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school. Nuns. Weekly mass. The whole shootin' match. Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing. They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home. And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, they hoped they had made the right choice. He walked right past them and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card - unopened in his hand. Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!? Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son! "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the mother. Again, the boy shrugged, "No." "The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?", asked the father. "Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of school, that these folks in Catholic school meant business!" "How so?", asked his mom. "When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign. I knew they meant business!"

AN OLD BOAT Twin brothers were named Joe and John Jones. The single brother was the disgruntled owner of a dilapidated old boat. It happened that John's wife died the same week that Joe's boat finally sank. Shortly thereafter, the kindly old widow Smith met Joe on the street and mistaking him for John, she said, "Oh Mr. Jones, I am so sorry to hear about your great loss. You must feel terrible." Joe responded saying, "Well, I'm not the least bit sorry, she was a rotten old thing from the very beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelt like a dead fish. Hell, even the first time I got into her she made water faster than anything I had ever seen. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front. The hole got bigger every time I used her and she leaked like anything. But do you know what finished her off? Four guys from the other side of town were looking for a good time. They asked if I would rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but they said they would take a crack at her anyway. The result was that the crazy fools all tried to to get into her at one time and it was just too much for her. She cracked right down the middle!" Widow Smith fainted dead away.

A man who had just moved out to the country decides to start a farm. He goes to one nearby and asks to buy a chicken. The farmer tells the man that they don't call them chickens there. "We say pullets." Then the man selects a donkey. The farmer says, "We don't call them donkeys. Here we say, asses. And, by the way, if he ever stops on you, why just hit him a few times." Then the man asks for one more animal. He asked for a rooster. The farmer says, "We also have a slang name for them. We call them cocks." The man was walking home, down the road with his three new animals, when all of a sudden the donkey stops in the middle of the road. A woman is also walking down the street and he asks her if she will do a favor for him. She says, "Sure, what do you need?" The man replies, "Can you hold my c*** and pullet... while I slap my a**?"

Mystery Candidate Exits Calif. Election By Associated Press August 2, 2004, 2:34 PM EDT SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. -- No one has ever seen or spoken to the Democratic nominee for California's 63rd Assembly District. Now, the mystery man has dropped out of the race as mysteriously as he joined it. D'Andre McNamee ran unopposed for the Democratic nomination on the March ballot, picking up 16,987 votes. McNamee himself did not vote. Before that, he garnered 40 signatures for his nomination papers. His $900 filing fee was paid for by the state Democratic Central Committee, the San Bernardino County Sun newspaper reported last week. But spokesmen for the state and county parties said they have never met McNamee and know little about his candidacy. One official even sent along a Christmas card, which went unanswered. "Due to family and business concerns, as well as the reality that it will be impossible for a Democrat to win, I am dropping out of the race," McNamee said in a press release. The release was issued by a man claiming to be a friend of his. The statement said the candidate is 31 and co-owns McNamee Trucking in Ontario. But the company's mailing address is in Rancho Cucamonga, according to the secretary of state's office. Candidacy papers for McNamee say he lives in Upland, but no listing was found for the candidate or his company. The Sun said it made repeated calls over several months to a number on the candidacy papers. None were returned. Visits to the listed address proved fruitless. McNamee's name will stay on the November ballot, a spokesman for the state party said. Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com

My Day...Your Day? This sounds just like a day in my life...how about you? You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them. The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on. There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address. You open a can of soup and the lid falls in. It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you. There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. You can never put anything back in a box the way it came. You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette. You slice your tongue licking an envelope. Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading. A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away. There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray. You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint. The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing. A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces). You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 PM instead of 7 AM. The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out. People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up. Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire. You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing. You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it. You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Lead Story Autobiography of the Least Interesting Man in America: According to a 1996 Seattle Times feature, Robert Shields, 77, of Dayton, Wash., is the author of perhaps the longest personal diary in history, nearly 38 million words on paper stored in 81 cardboard boxes covering the previous 24 years, in five-minute segments. Example: July 25, 1993, 7 a.m.: "I cleaned out the tub and scraped my feet with my fingernails to remove layers of dead skin." 7:05 a.m.: "Passed a large, firm stool, and a pint of urine. Used 5 sheets of paper." [seattle Times, 3-17-96] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Least Competent People Joseph Kubic Sr., 93, was hospitalized in Stratford, Conn., in 1999 after he tried to punch an additional hole in his belt by hammering a pointy-nosed bullet through it. The bullet fired, ricocheted off a table and hit him in the neck. And four months after that, a 19-year-old man was hospitalized in Salt Lake City after undertaking a personal investigation into the question of whether it is possible to "fire" a .22-caliber bullet by placing it inside a straw and striking it with a hammer. Answer: sometimes (including this time; it went off and hit him in the stomach). [Connecticut Post, 2-19-99] [salt Lake Tribune, 6-15-99] Tim Ekelman, 33, was hospitalized in Hamilton, Ontario, in 1998 with a collapsed lung, a sliced throat and voice-box damage after he, believing there was nothing to it, attempted to swallow a friend's 40-inch-long sword. (A professional sword swallower interviewed by the Hamilton Spectator said he would never stick a sword down his throat without first dulling the edges.) Said Ekelman's girlfriend, "I love him with all my heart, but what a jerk." [Edmonton Journal-Hamilton Spectator, 3-21-98] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Great Art! From time to time News of the Weird has reported on the fluctuating value of the late Italian artist Piero Manzoni's personal feces, which he canned in 1961, 30 grams at a time in 90 tins, as art objects (though, over the years, 45 have reportedly exploded). Their price to collectors has varied from about $28,000 for a tin in 1998 to $75,000 in 1993. In June 2002, the Tate Gallery in London excitedly announced it had purchased tin number 004 for about $38,000. (The price of 30 grams of gold at that time was a little over $300.) [sydney Morning Herald, 7-1-02] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cliches Come to Life In 1998, Charles Cornell, 31, won his lawsuit at the High Court in London, England, and was awarded the equivalent of about US$100,000 in damages. Cornell's insurance businesses failed when sales plummeted following his automobile accident. In the crash, he received a head injury that his doctors said left him with a gentler, more amiable personality that Cornell proved in court was unsuited for the insurance business. [Edmonton Journal, 3-22-98] According to a doctor's experience reported in the December 1997 issue of the journal Biological Therapies in Psychiatry, a 35-year-old female patient receiving a traditional anti-depressant was switched to bupropion, supposedly just as effective but without her regular drug's side effect of inhibiting orgasm. "Within one week, her ability to achieve orgasm and her enjoyment of sex had returned to normal," the doctor wrote. "After six weeks, however, she experienced (spontaneously, without physical stimulation) a three-hour orgasm while shopping." [biological Therapies in Psychiatry, December 1997] Life Imitates a Rodney Dangerfield Joke: In 1996, Steven Hicks, 38, and his wife, Diana, 35, were sentenced to six months in jail in Cape May, N.J., for child abandonment. They had been having trouble with their unruly son, Christopher, 13, and while he was hospitalized, they had surreptitiously packed up and moved to Inglewood, Calif. [New Haven Register, 2-1-96] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyers Being Lawyers The Times of London reported in 1997 that when an employee of the James Beauchamp law firm in Edgbaston, England, recently killed himself, the firm billed his mother the equivalent of US$20,000 for the expense of finishing up his office work. Included in that amount was a bill for about US$2,300 to go to his home to find out why he didn't show up at work (thus finding his body), plus about US$250 to go to his mother's home, knock on her door, and tell her that her son was dead. (After unfavorable publicity, the firm withdrew the bill.) [The Times (London), 3-14-97] No "Professional Courtesy": Marsha Watt, a graduate of Northwestern University School of Law and formerly an associate at the prestigious Winston and Strawn law firm in Chicago, was disciplined in 1997 by the Illinois Bar over her then-recent conviction for prostitution (i.e., the kind involving sex, for which her published rate, according to a personals ad cited in her conviction, was roughly three times what the law firm was billing for her services). [Chicago Daily Law Bulletin, 2-12-97] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At Last! A Job That Actually Requires Geometry! Commissioners in Florida's Seminole County (near Orlando) and Manatee County (Bradenton) passed ordinances in 1999 prohibiting public nudity by requiring women to cover at least 25 percent of the area of their breasts and at least 33 percent of the buttocks, with highly detailed instructions as to the points from which each coverage must be measured. (News of the Weird includes this refresher for law enforcement personnel: The formula for the lateral area of a cone is pi times radius times slant height; for the surface area of a sphere, it's pi times radius-squared; and, alas, for a flat surface, it's length times width.) [sarasota Herald-Tribune, 4-8-99] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Surprise! Diane Parker accompanied husband, Richard W. Parker (who had been accused of drug trafficking), to federal court in Los Angeles for a hearing in 1998. According to friends, Diane was such a believer in her husband's innocence that she had come prepared to put up her investment property and her mother's townhouse to make Richard's bail. However, when the prosecutor recited to the judge facts about Richard's double life that included a mistress and a safe house, Diane's expression changed dramatically within the space of a few minutes. According to a Los Angeles Times account, she removed her wedding ring with a flourish, walked out of court, quickly drove to an Orange County office where the mistress worked, and punched her several times before being restrained. [L.A. Times, 7-21-98] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Compelling Explanations Portland State University library employee Mary Joan Byrd, 61, admitted in 1997 that she had taken more than $200,000 over the years from the school's copy machines. According to the student newspaper The Vanguard, she asked for leniency on the criminal charge against her (i.e., stealing from the state of Oregon) based on the theory that she was just temporarily using the money. That is, according to her, she spent almost the entire amount she took to feed her habit of playing Oregon's government-sponsored video poker machines, and since she never won, the state got all its money back. [bend (Ore.) Bulletin, 7-15-97] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gone on to Their Just Rewards In Dadeville, Ala., in 1999, Mr. Gabel Taylor, 38, who had just prevailed in an informal Bible-quoting contest, was shot to death by the angry loser. And in 1998, the Rev. John Wayne "Punkin" Brown Jr., 34, died of a rattlesnake bite while ministering at the Rock House Holiness Church in northeast Alabama near Scottsboro. In a landmark book on snake-handling preachers in the South ("Salvation on Sand Mountain" by Dennis Covington), the legendary Brown was called the "mad monk," the one most "mired in the ... blood lust of the patriarchs." His wife, Melinda, died in the same way three years earlier at a church in Middlesboro, Ky. [Knoxville News-Sentinel, 10-6-98] (Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679 or WeirdNews@earthlink.net or go to www.NewsoftheWeird.com.) COPYRIGHT 2004 CHUCK SHEPHERD newsof the weird.com

August Marks Catfish Month CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. (Wireless Flash) -- Politicians aren't the only bottom feeders making a play for attention right now -- it's National Catfish Month. The catfish-oriented celebration is being celebrated by the Tennessee Aquarium in Chattanooga, Tennessee, which is hoping to inspire Americans to eat lots of farm-raised freshwater catfish over the next four weeks. Catfish Month is a big hook for the Aquarium, which has what spokeswoman Kathie Scobee Fulgham says is believed to be the largest blue catfish on exhibit -- at 100 pounds. In addition, the aquarium be putting a flathead catfish which weighs a whopping 87 pounds on exhibit tomorrow (Aug. 3). Other fishy facts to get you hooked on catfish.... -- The Southern American candiru is both a parasite and a catfish and is known to swim up the urethras of bathers and swimmers when they urinate in the water. -- The electric catfish of Africa is capable of generating up to 350 volts. -- Catfish may be tasty, but catfish have 27,000 tastebuds of their own. -- Finally, the south is known for tall tales of catfish that are the size of Volkswagens. ncbuy.com