movieguy

Damon wants to make a p*** film World Entertainment News Network August 6 2004 The Bourne Supremacy star Matt Damon wants to make a "character-driven p*** movie" with an intellectual plot. Damon, 33, believes X-rated films and action movies are predictable and badly written and is keen to break the trend by creating a adult movie where the narrative is as important as the graphic sex scenes. Damon says, "My theory on action movies is that they're like p*** movies. A p*** movie has got really bad writing, really bad acting and really thinly drawn characters. "They have a ... scene where they talk and say, 'Hey, I'm the milkman' And you know what is going to happen. "And then you get the action and you don't really feel anything for the action and then you get another really stupid scene with, 'Hey, I'm the milkman'. "What I want to do is make a character-driven p*** movie. It's all going to be about the character and the p***'s going to grow out of the characters and serve as character development. "You know how movie titles get p*** titles - movies that rip them off? A producer suggested that we do The p*** Identity." Copyright © 2004, South Florida Sun-Sentinel southflorida.com

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse." The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302." "I will connect you with the nursing station." "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?" "I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302" "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock." The woman said, "Thank heaven! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic that's wonderful news!" The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!" "Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me nothing!"

Mother 'runs over new daughter-in-law on way to honeymoon' An Illinois woman reportedly ran over her new daughter-in-law when she was on her way to her honeymoon. Courier News Online says family and friends celebrated the marriage of Steve and Kim Stillwell in Sheridan outside Chicago last Saturday. But on Sunday the bride was rushed to the local hospital with torn muscles and internal bleeding after being run over by her mother-in-law Georgia. She was only allowed home on Wednesday. The incident allegedly happened after the newlyweds went to pick up their children from Georgia's house before heading off on honeymoon. Steve Stillwell started having an argument with his mother, who then drove off with a child's car seat still in her car. Kim gave chase gave chase, caught up with Georgia, they talked, and, according to Sandwich Police Chief Rick Olson, Georgia then drove away as Kim was leaning through the window. She was dragged behind the car for 25 yards. Kim says she is angry that no charges have been filed against her mother-in-law. Although Olson promises there will be charges connected to the incident, the state attorney says there is not enough evidence to convict Georgia of a felony. For her part, Georgia insists it was an accident, as she would never harm the mother of her grandchildren. She said: "Even when the cops arrested me, I kept asking how she was doing. They're making me sound like I did it on purpose. It was an accident." ananova.com

Okla. Man Accidentally Shoots Self in Rear By Associated Press August 6, 2004, 10:28 AM EDT BRISTOW, Okla. -- Drew Patterson wanted to protect himself after hearing reports of an fugitive in this northeastern Oklahoma community. He didn't think he would be nursing a sore rear end. Patterson's .22-caliber pistol, hooked into the waistband of his denim shorts with the hammer pulled back, apparently fired, hitting Patterson in the left buttock Wednesday afternoon. Patterson, 27, said he suffered "one of my most embarrassing moments" when his gun fired. "At first, I didn't feel anything at all," said Patterson, who talked readily about the incident Thursday at his parents' Bristow home. "Then about 30 seconds later, I felt that burning, stinging," he said. He felt something warm trickling down his left leg and found an exit wound. Patterson said he walked into his parents' home and said, "Mom, I did something bad." Law enforcement officers searching for escaped inmate Raymond Lee Smith, 26, who ran from a Bristow courtroom Wednesday, stopped their hunt when Patterson's gunshot wound was reported. Smith fled a courtroom in handcuffs and an orange jump suit and was still at large Thursday. He was facing charges of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon on a police officer. Residents in the Bristow area armed themselves last year when a suspected murderer, Scott Eizember, roamed the rural area as authorities searched for him for 37 days. "I had good intentions, but I screwed the whole thing up," Patterson said. Patterson said he was told to keep walking to avoid complications as the wound healed. "It hurts fiercely now," he said while walking slowly and gingerly. Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com

One day a farmer notice his cat was ill! so on the way to town he stop by the vet, he told him that his cat was sick the vet misunderstood the farmer, he thought he said the calf was sick well what you need to do is give her a gallon of mineral oil the farmer look puzzles and thought give a cat a gallon of mineral oil? so the farmer arrived back home and proceed to put a gallon in the cat the cat as you would expect fought and the farmer had a time giving it all to the cat a couple days later the vet came by the farm hey! how is the calf doing!? calf? i said cat you mean you gave a cat a gallon of mineral oil? yeah cause that what you told me to do the vet look around the field then ask the farmer where is the cat? farmer look at the vet and said last time i seen that cat was two days ago she went up that hill with two other cats one was a digging, one was a covering and one was heading for higher ground!

Psychiatrist phone Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random. If you are phobic, don't press anything. If you are anal retentive, please hold.

Nursing home Viagra A grandson goes to visit his grandfather in the nursing home. He asks the elderly gentleman how he has been sleeping at night. The grandfather replies that they give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet every night before he goes to bed and he sleeps like a baby. The grandson is curious about the Viagra so he finds his grandfather's nurse to ask why. The nurse replies that the hot chocolate makes him sleepy and the Viagra tablet keeps him from rolling out of bed.

Lying Cop A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened, there's no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too...

Thief Steals 30,000 Christmas Lights Display Stolen From Whiteland Man's Storage Facility POSTED: 6:21 AM EST August 5, 2004 UPDATED: 6:28 AM EST August 5, 2004 WHITELAND, Ind. -- Police are looking for the thief who stole thousands of Christmas lights from a Whiteland man well known for his elaborate holiday decorations. Steve Cisco said 30,000 lights and 5,000 feet of extension cords were taken last week from his storage facility. He estimated their value at about $2,000. Cisco used the lights to construct a display that included synchronized music played by a special computer program. Cisco said he can't understand why anyone would want to steal something that spreads so much cheer. Despite the theft, Cisco said he's determined to have his display up again by the day after Thanksgiving. Copyright 2004 by TheIndyChannel.com All rights reserved theindychannel.com

Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs PURCHASE, N.Y. (Wireless Flash) -- Things are getting dark at Pepsi-Cola. The soft drink company is releasing a pitch black version of Mountain Dew in honor of Halloween, as well as a Christmas edition of Pepsi flavored with ginger and cinnamon. NEW DELHI, India -- The grandson of one of the first two men to climb Mt. Everest is using his feet to achieve another feat: Dribbling a soccer ball 2700 miles across India. Tashi Tenzing -- the grandson of Sherpa Tenzing Norgay -- will start his quest in Southern India in September 2005 and end his soccer stunt at the 20,000 ft. high base camp of Everest, reports "Asian Age." CONSTANTA, Romania -- Cops who patrol seaside resorts in Romania say they're sickened by the sight of old women going topless at the beaches -- so they want a ban on women over 60 stripping down in public. Constanta county police chief Victor Popescu recently told local papers, "Going topless has its age limit and old women going topless should understand this ncbuy.com

We get a news report of the following couple weeks ago ! Rev. Falwell Accused of Breaking Tax Rule By JUSTIN BERGMAN Associated Press Writer July 16, 2004, 5:26 PM EDT RICHMOND, Va. -- A religious watchdog group claims the Rev. Jerry Falwell has violated his church's tax-exempt status by endorsing President Bush and urging followers to donate to a conservative political action campaign. The Americans United for Separation of Church and State filed a complaint Thursday with the Internal Revenue Service seeking an investigation. "We want to demonstrate that even the most wealthy and powerful television preachers are not above the law," said Barry W. Lynn, executive director of the organization. In a newsletter sent to supporters July 1, Falwell wrote: "For conservative people of faith, voting for principle this year means voting for the re-election of George W. Bush. This is why I am utilizing this column to urge you to support the Campaign for Working Families, which is headed by Gary Bauer. It is the organization that I believe can have the greatest impact in re-electing Mr. Bush to the Oval Office." The e-mail appears on the Jerry Falwell Ministries Web site and includes a link to the contribution Web site for the Campaign for Working Families. Falwell said Friday he was expressing his personal opinion, and that his Web site carried the newsletter as an "op-ed piece." He said he frequently voices his political opinion from the pulpit but always qualifies it as a statement from a private citizen. "It's a gray area for some people," Falwell said. "They feel that a religious man should neither be for or against anybody, but in reality, most are, and the only times there are complaints is when the person is a conservative like myself." Jerry Falwell Jr., Falwell's son and church attorney, said the ministries' Web site is registered and paid for by a tax-exempt organization Liberty Alliance, which is legally permitted to do some political lobbying. In a document sent to officials at the Republican and Democratic national committees last month, the director of the IRS's exempt organizations division, Steven T. Miller, said religious leaders are strictly prohibited from politicking as spokespeople for the church. "Leaders cannot make partisan comments in official organization publications or at official organization functions, including official church publications and functions," Miller wrote. The IRS is prevented by law from commenting on pending cases or investigations, said spokesman Anthony Burke. Falwell has been the subject of such complaints before. In 1993, his television ministry, the Old Time Gospel Hour, agreed to pay $50,000 in tax penalties for political activity in 1986 and 1987. Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press www.newsday.com this would had been hughs in the past? ask anyone that been around! Cnn would had made it the top news of the weeks Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, Peter Jennings this would had been 1st 2nd 3rd headline all it got was a news items at the bottom of the screen! have they gone soft! or are they waiting closer to the election to give it hell? me, i hope it the second choice

President Bush peel a raw corn in Iowa yesterday and ate it! then he said that was the worst banana he ever tasted

Baby Survives 30-Foot Fall Without Injury By MELANIE DABOVICH Associated Press Writer August 5, 2004, 7:12 PM EDT ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. -- It could be seen as a lucky landing, but the father of 2-year-old girl who fell 30 feet from a Santa Fe hotel window without major injury said his daughter was saved by a miracle from God. "Her guardian angel let her down easy. We think that there was definitely some supernatural intervention," said Jeffrey Shaver of Edmond, Okla., a devout Roman Catholic who is vacationing in New Mexico with his wife, Amy, and their five children. "I think that when a child drops 30 feet you usually don't have a good ending." Shaver said his daughter was playing with her twin sister in their room at La Fonda Hotel on Tuesday morning when she climbed up on the window sill and leaned on the screen. The screen tore, and the toddler fell straight down to the concrete, landing on her diaper. Amy Shaver was in the restroom and Jeffrey Shaver was busy preparing breakfast and didn't know their daughter had fallen until their other children alerted them. "Her twin sister was crying, saying 'Baby fell,' and our 10-year old looked out the window and saw her on the ground," he said. Shaver said he initially couldn't believe what had happened. "I kept thinking, 'Did she get out with the bellman?' We didn't hear anything at all," Shaver said. The child's fall from the third-story window could have been fatal, said Santa Fe Deputy Police Chief Eric Johnson. "It is a pretty severe fall. An adult could have broken bones and back and neck injuries from that height," Johnson said. "She must have landed just right." A witness told police the child stood up on her own after the fall and began to cry, Johnson said. Officers arrived shortly thereafter and stabilized the girl until medical personnel arrived. "We were just very pleased to see that she was able to walk away," Johnson said. Because of soreness, Jeffrey Shaver his daughter wasn't walking around much Wednesday but was otherwise getting back to being her normal self despite all the attention. "She really doesn't know what's going on. The staff at the hotel gave her balloons and other people gave her a bear, but she really hasn't verbalized anything about (the fall)," Shaver said. The family plans to head back to Oklahoma soon. "She likes to play with our dogs and play dolls with her sister, but she also likes to get into things," said Shaver, who described his daughter as fearless. "In fact, she tried to get on the window sill again today." Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com

Two aliens Zeb (a real gun slinger) and Zeke (always thinks everything through first) came down to Earth and landed their spaceship by a gas station. Zeb jumps out of the ship and the first thing he sees is a gas pump. He whips out his gun and says, "Stick'em up! Stick'em up!" Zeke said, "Zeb, I wouldn't mess with him, he looks like a mean sonofab*tch." "Nah. Stick'em up, Earthling!" "I'm tellin you, Zeb. He looks like a mean sonofab*tch!" "Nah." Then he shot it. The explosion blew the two of them sky high. Zeb looks over at Zeke and says, "Damn. Say how'd you know he was such a mean sonofab*tch?" "Well Zeb, anyone who can take their dick and rap it around themselves three times and stick it in their ear has got to be a mean sonofab*tch!"

Bank Robbery Suspect Forgets Checkbook By Associated Press August 5, 2004, 4:51 PM EDT EVANSVILLE, Ind. -- Investigators did not need DNA or even fingerprints to track down a bank robbery suspect -- he left his checkbook on the teller's counter. A man walked into a First Federal Savings Bank branch Tuesday carrying a McDonald's bag and demanded money from a teller, witnesses said. He walked out of the bank just east of the city's downtown with some cash, but left his checkbook behind. The checks were printed with Larry Heady's name and his Maceo, Ky., address, police said. Police officers on Wednesday arrested Heady, 63, at his home in the town about 30 miles southeast of Evansville. "Usually with suspects there's a general rule that you don't leave identification behind," police Sgt. Brett Fitzsimmons said. Heady was also a suspect in two bank robberies in Henderson, Ky., and another in Hopkinsville, Ky., police said. Heady was being held Thursday in the Daviess County, Ky., Jail. Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com

Disgraced family A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys." "He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted, "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..." Granny fainted!

Dear John Letter This is the ultimate response to a Dear John letter. Humor in the face of defeat. A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girl friend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

3 ducks A guy walks into a bar with 3 ducks under his arm. the barman, a curious fellow, wants a word with the ducks but knows the man would object. after an hour, the man goes to the toilet. "Hi, what's your name," he asks the first duck "Luey" "What you been doing today" "I've been playing around in Puddles" "Nice, and your are?" he askes the second "Huey" "And what have you been doing today?" "I've been in and out of Puddles all day, and given the chance I'd do it again" "Oh," and to the last," you must be Duey?" "NO! I'm Puddles, and don't you dare ask me how my days been!"

Tenn. Man Arrested at Anti-Crime Event By Associated Press August 5, 2004, 11:19 AM EDT NASHVILLE, Tenn. -- Claude Meadows was hungry after he allegedly robbed a man at knifepoint of his money and car Tuesday evening. Fortunately for Metro Nashville police, Meadows decided to attend a Night Out Against Crime event three hours later and stand in a food line. Officer Martin Burns saw that he closely fit the description of the man who had stolen Harold Whitton's car, and after questioning, arrested Meadows. Meadows, 34, is charged with aggravated robbery. His is being held in lieu of $30,000 bond. "Officer Burns' observations at what was essentially a social event were truly outstanding," chief Ronal Serpas said Wednesday. "It is amazing that Meadows showed up at an anti-crime event." Whitton reported to Burns that he was robbed at knifepoint by a suspect who took his 2001 Pontiac Grand Am and drove away. Whitton gave Burns a good description of the robber. When Burns saw Meadows in the food line, he approached him and recovered a leatherman's tool containing a knife and Whitton's car keys. The car was located and returned to Whitton. Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com

At the Drugstore One day two old ladies are sitting on the porch smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain. The first old lady takes out a condom and wraps it around her cigarette for protection. The second old lady asks what it is and where she got it. The first old lady replies: "You can get it at any drugstore. They're called condoms." So the next day the second old lady goes into the drugstore and asks the clerk: "Hello, do you sell condoms?" The store clerk looks at her oddly and asks: "How big?" The old lady replies: "Oh, just big enough to fit a Camel."

Doctor, my sex drive is too high! An 80 year old man went to the doctor. The doctor asked him what was wrong. The man said "My sex drive is too high, I want you to lower it." The doctor said "You are 80 years old and you want your sex drive lowered?" Yes, the man replied, as he points to his head and says "it's all up here, and I want it lowered.

Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs LONDON (Wireless Flash) -- A British supermarket chain isn't kidding around with its new shopping cart -- it's designed to avoid childish tantrums. According to BBC News, the Tesco chain is introducing a cart called the "tantrum tamer," which plays DVDs, CDs and educational games for kids. CAMBRIDGE, Mass. -- Chew on this: The number of people following a low-carb diet is not as high as it was few months ago. A trade group called the Low Carb Manufacturers Alliance claims casual low-carb dieters have dropped from 32 percent in April to 21 percent currently. But don't discount low-carb diets as just another food fad. Researchers say 11 percent are committed carb counters. TOKYO -- Single gals in Japan can now snuggle up to a "boyfriend pillow." The 39-pound sleeping partner comes with two dress shirts for the ladies to iron, and one model acts as an alarm clock by vibrating when it's time for the woman to wake up. Ananova.com reports the man-replacing pillow has become so popular that the manufacturer has had to start a waiting list for customers. ATLANTA -- Bad date? Let your cell phone come to the rescue. Cingular Wireless is now offering customers something called the "Escape-A-Date" service, which helps singles ditch lousy dates. The $4.95/month plan allows users to set their phone to ring during their date with instructions for faking an emergency exit -- such as pretending your roommate has locked himself out of the house ncbuy.com